So, I've been thinking... as per usual since I am known by all as an "overthinker..."
what exactly interests me?
I DON'T KNOW.
Wow. There it is.
I have no fucking clue what interests me at this point. Honestly, this has always been a problem of mine, I never really know what I want, unless it has to do with a man. I know what I enjoy... drinking... reading... writing... editing... books... heat... sun... love.... hate.... emotion... but all of these things lead to either AA or therapy. The three things involved in my interests, ya know.. the reading, writing and editing are of the norm of interests but no one wants me for that! After a while, hearing all those crickets after sending your resume out into the wind in every direction can be pretty discouraging. I'm sure a majority of America knows what I am talking about considering so many are unemployed (which I am not therefore, I should be thankful, which I am... in that respect) but as an well-educated, well-spoken, hard-working AMERICAN I am down in the dumps here. My ego is stabbed every time I send one out and get nothing back. Maybe I am less intelligent, witty and well-written than I thought. Not that I thought highly of myself to begin with but this is just making it worse.
I am ranting... The point is that since I am stuck in my horrible, low-paying, dead-end job, I need something to keep my occupied on my off time. I have come to the conclusion that for most of my life I have been waiting. Waiting for him to come home. Why? WHY?! I mean, I have gotten better with it over time being that I will leave the house and try to be somewhat productive but lately I have been getting antsy. Shopping even isn't doing it for me lately... CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! Me, not getting my kicks out of shopping?!
I have that numb feeling again. I hardly enough know how to describe it other than that. I need something new. I don;t know what it is yet but I need it. I am getting impatient. Moving in is pretty much finalized and I can hardly believe it. Its as if there is some kind of block in my head and nothing is registering. I need a feeling. I love to write and even when I try and get through a blog I feel as though I am rushing through it and I no longer want to continue. Like right now.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
What A Mess.
Sometimes I wish there were no such thing as emotions. Or that I couldn't be swayed by anything or anyone. Nothing could get to me or shake me down. Almost like being mentally invincible. It would make my life so much easier I'm sure. I want to take my own advice, but it’s not going well. My advice would be to let it all out instead, I end up telling myself all the time to just push it down and let it go. I push it down, but it all just resurfaces. Its definitely not what I should be doing; just can't help it. Now, I wish I had though. Even though holding it all in is worse for you because it all builds up and I know that better than anyone, yet here I am doing it anyway. There are just things I don't say and maybe it’s better off because I now wish to God that I had a better poker face.
I used the quote, "old habits die hard" last night. I'm right. They do. Some things just never change no matter how much you try and force them to. I've grown a lot within the past year. I can see the changes in myself. But I'm beginning to notice that some of my old habits are slipping through the cracks. I'm trying to force all of them back and change myself to be a better person but fuck, it gets so hard sometimes.
Maybe he is right and I am just used to certain things. Trying to adjust to something new is very complicated for me. Especially since it’s just SOOO much different. A lot of it is different is amazing ways that I love. I could write a list of things that are new in my life that I love so much. But then there are all of the things that I am trying to adjust to that are not going too smoothly and are dragging me wayyy down.
It would have just been better left unsaid I think. Now I just want to disappear. And I mean that in the literal sense of the meaning. I wish that I couldn't be seen at all right now, as insane and quite possibly juvenile as that may sound. I can't even bring myself to type on this screen. My stupid pride is botching me up.
This feeling has been following me for a while now but it’s getting to an overwhelming point. I thought that taking certain actions would alleviate the pressure it puts on my mind but it actually didn't help. I think I may just be looking for something that I will never get. I wonder if it’s just an adjustment I have to deal with.... heh... there are a lot of adjustments that I need to make. I need to try and remember how new this all is. All of this is a learning process. At the same time I have to wonder, if it is like this now, won't it just get worse over time? And what if it does? Will I just get over it?
Like I said, this has been something that has been bugging me for a while. I have to wonder, is this goddamn birth control amplifying it? I'm trying to figure that out.
Maybe I just need to be more understanding. I guess things like this just don’t come so easily to certain people. I am trying to be patient. It did not go well yesterday. My patience wore thin. It’s all just my own fault I suppose. It is what it is. I can’t change it. It shouldn’t be forced. I don’t want it to be. Now that it is out in the open I feel like it always will be now and I hate that. ….I don’t even think that the issue is actually clear anyway. Regardless, I wouldn’t even ask at this point. It would probably make me feel worse than I already do at this point. I’m 13 miles away from him right now and I feel like there is an elephant in the room. Fuck.
I used the quote, "old habits die hard" last night. I'm right. They do. Some things just never change no matter how much you try and force them to. I've grown a lot within the past year. I can see the changes in myself. But I'm beginning to notice that some of my old habits are slipping through the cracks. I'm trying to force all of them back and change myself to be a better person but fuck, it gets so hard sometimes.
Maybe he is right and I am just used to certain things. Trying to adjust to something new is very complicated for me. Especially since it’s just SOOO much different. A lot of it is different is amazing ways that I love. I could write a list of things that are new in my life that I love so much. But then there are all of the things that I am trying to adjust to that are not going too smoothly and are dragging me wayyy down.
It would have just been better left unsaid I think. Now I just want to disappear. And I mean that in the literal sense of the meaning. I wish that I couldn't be seen at all right now, as insane and quite possibly juvenile as that may sound. I can't even bring myself to type on this screen. My stupid pride is botching me up.
This feeling has been following me for a while now but it’s getting to an overwhelming point. I thought that taking certain actions would alleviate the pressure it puts on my mind but it actually didn't help. I think I may just be looking for something that I will never get. I wonder if it’s just an adjustment I have to deal with.... heh... there are a lot of adjustments that I need to make. I need to try and remember how new this all is. All of this is a learning process. At the same time I have to wonder, if it is like this now, won't it just get worse over time? And what if it does? Will I just get over it?
Like I said, this has been something that has been bugging me for a while. I have to wonder, is this goddamn birth control amplifying it? I'm trying to figure that out.
Maybe I just need to be more understanding. I guess things like this just don’t come so easily to certain people. I am trying to be patient. It did not go well yesterday. My patience wore thin. It’s all just my own fault I suppose. It is what it is. I can’t change it. It shouldn’t be forced. I don’t want it to be. Now that it is out in the open I feel like it always will be now and I hate that. ….I don’t even think that the issue is actually clear anyway. Regardless, I wouldn’t even ask at this point. It would probably make me feel worse than I already do at this point. I’m 13 miles away from him right now and I feel like there is an elephant in the room. Fuck.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Swallowing My Best Friend
Throw me under the bus. You might as well. I expect it from him. But from her? Every now and then I do... but I am alone in this one I suppose.
...Now that I think of it, that is usually the case in some way or another.
I will always be wrong even when I am right. I could be justified by my actions but I am not. Not ever. Not here.
There is no peace of mind.
That is the conclusion I have come to.
Almost every part of my life has become a stress.
I used to complain about hearing that. When he shut down because he was "stressed." I would laugh... Stress... Hah.
Now, here I am, feeling that way on a constant basis. The feeling like I want to separate myself from every single thing. Just to get away where no one knows me. Judgement would only be based on what I looked like not what I am.
As the Grey Goose rushes to my head right now all I can feel is pressure. It's in my chest. It's weighing down my feet, my hands, my back. It's purpose may just be to glue me to the bed or to rush all of my thoughts out of me, at this point I can't tell but it helps. My ears are burning, my heart is weighed down and my mind wants to black out entirely.
There are all these things boiling up. Even on a day that I think is good never turns out to truly satisfy me.
As much as I would like to vent right now about the things that I feel are literally pulling me down, I refuse to speak about them. I hear it all in my mind, and to be quite honest, I'm sick of hearing it myself. The constant annoyance. My tolerance for other people's nonsense is at an all time low; it applies to myself as well. I don't want to hear myself anymore. All I want to do is complain about everything that is going on but I don't even want to hear myself. I can't stand the sound of my own voice.
I don't want to look in the mirror either. I hate what I see every single day. It disgusts me. I went into the bathroom tonight and glimpsed at myself- I literally cringed. Is it possible to disgust yourself? I'm beginning to think it is really possible. It may be easy to disgust yourself with your own actions, but this doesn't even have to do with my actions. It's just everything about me at this point.
Physically, I feel gross and undesirable. But I am even beginning to doubt that I have skills in anything. Any passions I once had are dwindling. The things that I was confident in doing are now beginning to fade and I no longer feel like I am any good at anything. I'm missing something. Something I had is lost right now. It's making me sluggish in a sense- mentally sluggish. Once I become mentally sluggish the rest of me follows. That is the path I am currently walking down. I need a boost. I just don;t know where it will come from. Maybe a weather change? I don't think it could possibly be as simple as that though. It may be helpful but not the key to getting back on track.
I just don't feel it. I observe things. I let it all happen. I say nothing. But its not here. Not with me. And it hurts. But there isn't a goddamn thing I can or will do about it. So let it coast. What other choice do you have? It can't happen through force. Unless, I just refuse to force things anymore. But I watch it all fall apart. Just fall apart already. You already know its happening. I doubt you can stop it. Watch your chest rise and fall, focus on that and make it through Tuesday.
...Now that I think of it, that is usually the case in some way or another.
I will always be wrong even when I am right. I could be justified by my actions but I am not. Not ever. Not here.
There is no peace of mind.
That is the conclusion I have come to.
Almost every part of my life has become a stress.
I used to complain about hearing that. When he shut down because he was "stressed." I would laugh... Stress... Hah.
Now, here I am, feeling that way on a constant basis. The feeling like I want to separate myself from every single thing. Just to get away where no one knows me. Judgement would only be based on what I looked like not what I am.
As the Grey Goose rushes to my head right now all I can feel is pressure. It's in my chest. It's weighing down my feet, my hands, my back. It's purpose may just be to glue me to the bed or to rush all of my thoughts out of me, at this point I can't tell but it helps. My ears are burning, my heart is weighed down and my mind wants to black out entirely.
There are all these things boiling up. Even on a day that I think is good never turns out to truly satisfy me.
As much as I would like to vent right now about the things that I feel are literally pulling me down, I refuse to speak about them. I hear it all in my mind, and to be quite honest, I'm sick of hearing it myself. The constant annoyance. My tolerance for other people's nonsense is at an all time low; it applies to myself as well. I don't want to hear myself anymore. All I want to do is complain about everything that is going on but I don't even want to hear myself. I can't stand the sound of my own voice.
I don't want to look in the mirror either. I hate what I see every single day. It disgusts me. I went into the bathroom tonight and glimpsed at myself- I literally cringed. Is it possible to disgust yourself? I'm beginning to think it is really possible. It may be easy to disgust yourself with your own actions, but this doesn't even have to do with my actions. It's just everything about me at this point.
Physically, I feel gross and undesirable. But I am even beginning to doubt that I have skills in anything. Any passions I once had are dwindling. The things that I was confident in doing are now beginning to fade and I no longer feel like I am any good at anything. I'm missing something. Something I had is lost right now. It's making me sluggish in a sense- mentally sluggish. Once I become mentally sluggish the rest of me follows. That is the path I am currently walking down. I need a boost. I just don;t know where it will come from. Maybe a weather change? I don't think it could possibly be as simple as that though. It may be helpful but not the key to getting back on track.
I just don't feel it. I observe things. I let it all happen. I say nothing. But its not here. Not with me. And it hurts. But there isn't a goddamn thing I can or will do about it. So let it coast. What other choice do you have? It can't happen through force. Unless, I just refuse to force things anymore. But I watch it all fall apart. Just fall apart already. You already know its happening. I doubt you can stop it. Watch your chest rise and fall, focus on that and make it through Tuesday.
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