Sometimes I wish there were no such thing as emotions. Or that I couldn't be swayed by anything or anyone. Nothing could get to me or shake me down. Almost like being mentally invincible. It would make my life so much easier I'm sure. I want to take my own advice, but it’s not going well. My advice would be to let it all out instead, I end up telling myself all the time to just push it down and let it go. I push it down, but it all just resurfaces. Its definitely not what I should be doing; just can't help it. Now, I wish I had though. Even though holding it all in is worse for you because it all builds up and I know that better than anyone, yet here I am doing it anyway. There are just things I don't say and maybe it’s better off because I now wish to God that I had a better poker face.
I used the quote, "old habits die hard" last night. I'm right. They do. Some things just never change no matter how much you try and force them to. I've grown a lot within the past year. I can see the changes in myself. But I'm beginning to notice that some of my old habits are slipping through the cracks. I'm trying to force all of them back and change myself to be a better person but fuck, it gets so hard sometimes.
Maybe he is right and I am just used to certain things. Trying to adjust to something new is very complicated for me. Especially since it’s just SOOO much different. A lot of it is different is amazing ways that I love. I could write a list of things that are new in my life that I love so much. But then there are all of the things that I am trying to adjust to that are not going too smoothly and are dragging me wayyy down.
It would have just been better left unsaid I think. Now I just want to disappear. And I mean that in the literal sense of the meaning. I wish that I couldn't be seen at all right now, as insane and quite possibly juvenile as that may sound. I can't even bring myself to type on this screen. My stupid pride is botching me up.
This feeling has been following me for a while now but it’s getting to an overwhelming point. I thought that taking certain actions would alleviate the pressure it puts on my mind but it actually didn't help. I think I may just be looking for something that I will never get. I wonder if it’s just an adjustment I have to deal with.... heh... there are a lot of adjustments that I need to make. I need to try and remember how new this all is. All of this is a learning process. At the same time I have to wonder, if it is like this now, won't it just get worse over time? And what if it does? Will I just get over it?
Like I said, this has been something that has been bugging me for a while. I have to wonder, is this goddamn birth control amplifying it? I'm trying to figure that out.
Maybe I just need to be more understanding. I guess things like this just don’t come so easily to certain people. I am trying to be patient. It did not go well yesterday. My patience wore thin. It’s all just my own fault I suppose. It is what it is. I can’t change it. It shouldn’t be forced. I don’t want it to be. Now that it is out in the open I feel like it always will be now and I hate that. ….I don’t even think that the issue is actually clear anyway. Regardless, I wouldn’t even ask at this point. It would probably make me feel worse than I already do at this point. I’m 13 miles away from him right now and I feel like there is an elephant in the room. Fuck.
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