Swallowing My Best Friend

Throw me under the bus. You might as well. I expect it from him. But from her? Every now and then I do... but I am alone in this one I suppose.

...Now that I think of it, that is usually the case in some way or another.

I will always be wrong even when I am right. I could be justified by my actions but I am not. Not ever. Not here.

There is no peace of mind.

That is the conclusion I have come to.

Almost every part of my life has become a stress.

I used to complain about hearing that. When he shut down because he was "stressed." I would laugh... Stress... Hah.

Now, here I am, feeling that way on a constant basis. The feeling like I want to separate myself from every single thing. Just to get away where no one knows me. Judgement would only be based on what I looked like not what I am.

As the Grey Goose rushes to my head right now all I can feel is pressure. It's in my chest. It's weighing down my feet, my hands, my back. It's purpose may just be to glue me to the bed or to rush all of my thoughts out of me, at this point I can't tell but it helps. My ears are burning, my heart is weighed down and my mind wants to black out entirely.

There are all these things boiling up. Even on a day that I think is good never turns out to truly satisfy me.

As much as I would like to vent right now about the things that I feel are literally pulling me down, I refuse to speak about them. I hear it all in my mind, and to be quite honest, I'm sick of hearing it myself. The constant annoyance. My tolerance for other people's nonsense is at an all time low; it applies to myself as well. I don't want to hear myself anymore. All I want to do is complain about everything that is going on but I don't even want to hear myself. I can't stand the sound of my own voice.

I don't want to look in the mirror either. I hate what I see every single day. It disgusts me. I went into the bathroom tonight and glimpsed at myself- I literally cringed. Is it possible to disgust yourself? I'm beginning to think it is really possible. It may be easy to disgust yourself with your own actions, but this doesn't even have to do with my actions. It's just everything about me at this point.

Physically, I feel gross and undesirable. But I am even beginning to doubt that I have skills in anything. Any passions I once had are dwindling. The things that I was confident in doing are now beginning to fade and I no  longer feel like I am any good at anything. I'm missing something. Something I had is lost right now. It's making me sluggish in a sense- mentally sluggish. Once I become mentally sluggish the rest of me follows. That is the path I am currently walking down. I need a boost. I just don;t know where it will come from. Maybe a weather change? I don't think it could possibly be as simple as that though. It may be helpful but not the key to getting back on track.

I just don't feel it. I observe things. I let it all happen. I say nothing. But its not here. Not with me. And it hurts. But there isn't a goddamn thing I can or will do about it. So let it coast. What other choice do you have? It can't happen through force. Unless, I just refuse to force things anymore. But I watch it all fall apart. Just fall apart already. You already know its happening. I doubt you can stop it. Watch your chest rise and fall, focus on that and make it through Tuesday.