Dead End

So, I've been thinking... as per usual since I am known by all as an "overthinker..."

what exactly interests me?

I DON'T KNOW.

Wow. There it is.

I have no fucking clue what interests me at this point. Honestly, this has always been a problem of mine, I never really know what I want, unless it has to do with a man. I know what I enjoy... drinking... reading... writing... editing... books... heat... sun... love.... hate.... emotion... but all of these things lead to either AA or therapy. The three things involved in my interests, ya know.. the reading, writing and editing are of the norm of interests but no one wants me for that! After a while, hearing all those crickets after sending your resume out into the wind in every direction can be pretty discouraging. I'm sure a majority of America knows what I am talking about considering so many are unemployed (which I am not therefore, I should be thankful, which I am... in that respect) but as an well-educated, well-spoken, hard-working AMERICAN I am down in the dumps here. My ego is stabbed every time I send one out and get nothing back. Maybe I am less intelligent, witty and well-written than I thought. Not that I thought highly of myself to begin with but this is just making it worse.

I am ranting... The point is that since I am stuck in my horrible, low-paying, dead-end job, I need something to keep my occupied on my off time. I have come to the conclusion that for most of my life I have been waiting. Waiting for him to come home. Why? WHY?! I mean, I have gotten better with it over time being that I will leave the house and try to be somewhat productive but lately I have been getting antsy. Shopping even isn't doing it for me lately... CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! Me, not getting my kicks out of shopping?!

I have that numb feeling again. I hardly enough know how to describe it other than that. I need something new. I don;t know what it is yet but I need it. I am getting impatient. Moving in is pretty much finalized and I can hardly believe it. Its as if there is some kind of block in my head and nothing is registering. I need a feeling. I love to write and even when I try and get through a blog I feel as though I am rushing through it and I no longer want to continue. Like right now.

What A Mess.

Sometimes I wish there were no such thing as emotions. Or that I couldn't be swayed by anything or anyone. Nothing could get to me or shake me down. Almost like being mentally invincible. It would make my life so much easier I'm sure. I want to take my own advice, but it’s not going well. My advice would be to let it all out instead, I end up telling myself all the time to just push it down and let it go. I push it down, but it all just resurfaces. Its definitely not what I should be doing; just can't help it. Now, I wish I had though. Even though holding it all in is worse for you because it all builds up and I know that better than anyone, yet here I am doing it anyway. There are just things I don't say and maybe it’s better off because I now wish to God that I had a better poker face.


I used the quote, "old habits die hard" last night. I'm right. They do. Some things just never change no matter how much you try and force them to. I've grown a lot within the past year. I can see the changes in myself. But I'm beginning to notice that some of my old habits are slipping through the cracks. I'm trying to force all of them back and change myself to be a better person but fuck, it gets so hard sometimes.

Maybe he is right and I am just used to certain things. Trying to adjust to something new is very complicated for me. Especially since it’s just SOOO much different. A lot of it is different is amazing ways that I love. I could write a list of things that are new in my life that I love so much. But then there are all of the things that I am trying to adjust to that are not going too smoothly and are dragging me wayyy down.
It would have just been better left unsaid I think. Now I just want to disappear. And I mean that in the literal sense of the meaning. I wish that I couldn't be seen at all right now, as insane and quite possibly juvenile as that may sound. I can't even bring myself to type on this screen. My stupid pride is botching me up.

This feeling has been following me for a while now but it’s getting to an overwhelming point. I thought that taking certain actions would alleviate the pressure it puts on my mind but it actually didn't help. I think I may just be looking for something that I will never get. I wonder if it’s just an adjustment I have to deal with.... heh... there are a lot of adjustments that I need to make. I need to try and remember how new this all is. All of this is a learning process. At the same time I have to wonder, if it is like this now, won't it just get worse over time? And what if it does? Will I just get over it?

Like I said, this has been something that has been bugging me for a while. I have to wonder, is this goddamn birth control amplifying it? I'm trying to figure that out.

Maybe I just need to be more understanding. I guess things like this just don’t come so easily to certain people. I am trying to be patient. It did not go well yesterday. My patience wore thin. It’s all just my own fault I suppose. It is what it is. I can’t change it. It shouldn’t be forced. I don’t want it to be. Now that it is out in the open I feel like it always will be now and I hate that. ….I don’t even think that the issue is actually clear anyway. Regardless, I wouldn’t even ask at this point. It would probably make me feel worse than I already do at this point. I’m 13 miles away from him right now and I feel like there is an elephant in the room. Fuck.

Swallowing My Best Friend

Throw me under the bus. You might as well. I expect it from him. But from her? Every now and then I do... but I am alone in this one I suppose.

...Now that I think of it, that is usually the case in some way or another.

I will always be wrong even when I am right. I could be justified by my actions but I am not. Not ever. Not here.

There is no peace of mind.

That is the conclusion I have come to.

Almost every part of my life has become a stress.

I used to complain about hearing that. When he shut down because he was "stressed." I would laugh... Stress... Hah.

Now, here I am, feeling that way on a constant basis. The feeling like I want to separate myself from every single thing. Just to get away where no one knows me. Judgement would only be based on what I looked like not what I am.

As the Grey Goose rushes to my head right now all I can feel is pressure. It's in my chest. It's weighing down my feet, my hands, my back. It's purpose may just be to glue me to the bed or to rush all of my thoughts out of me, at this point I can't tell but it helps. My ears are burning, my heart is weighed down and my mind wants to black out entirely.

There are all these things boiling up. Even on a day that I think is good never turns out to truly satisfy me.

As much as I would like to vent right now about the things that I feel are literally pulling me down, I refuse to speak about them. I hear it all in my mind, and to be quite honest, I'm sick of hearing it myself. The constant annoyance. My tolerance for other people's nonsense is at an all time low; it applies to myself as well. I don't want to hear myself anymore. All I want to do is complain about everything that is going on but I don't even want to hear myself. I can't stand the sound of my own voice.

I don't want to look in the mirror either. I hate what I see every single day. It disgusts me. I went into the bathroom tonight and glimpsed at myself- I literally cringed. Is it possible to disgust yourself? I'm beginning to think it is really possible. It may be easy to disgust yourself with your own actions, but this doesn't even have to do with my actions. It's just everything about me at this point.

Physically, I feel gross and undesirable. But I am even beginning to doubt that I have skills in anything. Any passions I once had are dwindling. The things that I was confident in doing are now beginning to fade and I no  longer feel like I am any good at anything. I'm missing something. Something I had is lost right now. It's making me sluggish in a sense- mentally sluggish. Once I become mentally sluggish the rest of me follows. That is the path I am currently walking down. I need a boost. I just don;t know where it will come from. Maybe a weather change? I don't think it could possibly be as simple as that though. It may be helpful but not the key to getting back on track.

I just don't feel it. I observe things. I let it all happen. I say nothing. But its not here. Not with me. And it hurts. But there isn't a goddamn thing I can or will do about it. So let it coast. What other choice do you have? It can't happen through force. Unless, I just refuse to force things anymore. But I watch it all fall apart. Just fall apart already. You already know its happening. I doubt you can stop it. Watch your chest rise and fall, focus on that and make it through Tuesday.

The "L" Bomb

It has come out! On to a new adventure! 


The "L" Bomb. 


I call it that because that is pretty much what it is. Its always a life changing thing. Whether for the good or for the bad. It changes things. For better or for worse, that's up for debate. In this case, I'd have to go with the good. Especially since we both reciprocated the "L" Bomb with open arms- no shields necessary here. 


Love is always tricky. New love is the trickiest. It can fool you. You only know true love once you have given it time. Love never really fades; being IN love can, but loving someone does not. It is a fickle thing. Doesn't even have to be the love of a significant other, but any kind of love. But the love I am talking about here is the IN love kind. The butterflies, head over heels, world spinning kind of love.. 


When it is new, it can be scary, almost unbelievable. That is definitely the case for me. I am in some kind of shock. I know how I feel. That is as solid as this can get. But I am in this haze of disbelief that he feels the same.


For me, this is a familiar feeling in a sense. I loved him a long time ago. Granted, I was young and not too many people would believe that I could possibly know what love was back then. I am still very firm about my emotions- how I felt then was not obsolete because of age. I know what I felt then just as I know what I feel now. I pushed it as far down inside of me behind everything, and now he is back in my life it has resurfaced. But for him it was not the same. I had to face the facts that he would never feel the same for me as I did for him all those years ago, so I left. Now he is back, and my thoughts remained the same- "The kid could never love me." The little Joe inside him wouldn't allow it I'm sure... Haha. I suppose I was wrong. But I still have my doubts. I know I shouldn't but I think that from that mindset along with the bad breakup I just had- makes any kind of optimism that I should have a little jaded. 


With each day that passes I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with the idea of it. Now I just pray it lasts. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to deal with the loss of another love. 


Sometimes I fear that I am the type of girl that could be easy to fall in love with; but I am also the type of girl that is easy to fall out of love with. Almost every guy I have ever dated (which is a very minuscule amount) have told me that they loved me. I did not share the feeling with a couple of them. Just two. One being Joe of course. But look- I am no longer with the other guys who claimed they loved me. I have been pushed out and left on the side of the road. Will that be the course of my life? Will that happen to me again? From time to time, I can't help but wonder- will I end up with no one because I am impossible to be with forever? 


There really is no answer to that I guess so I am taking things day by day. All I can really do is let this happen. Drop that protective mechanism that I always put up and sink into him. If life has any kindness, this will work. I stopped trying to plan the future. I'm letting go and I'm falling in. Just don't let me hit rock bottom this time. Keep me up because I can't crash and burn again. 

My Favorite Holiday

It's that time of year again. The Christmas music has begun, people are scurrying around putting their decorations up, holidays sales are being advertised full force. The season has finally arrived. 


Please bear in mind that the upcoming holiday which is, in fact, Thanksgiving, NOT Christmas. Being that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, one can imagine how unhappy I currently am. An example of my frustration: while walking through the streets of Manhattan yesterday, I took note of how Mulberry Street seemed to have been vomited on by Santa Claus. Blerg. 


How can people overlook a holiday that is all about giving thanks for what you have? The most genuine holiday out of them all is practically skipped over to celebrate the one that is the most superficial! I discovered a long time ago how frivolous Christmas really is and that thought process has never left me. My dislike for Christmas requires an entire blog entry of its own; that is not the purpose of this one right now so let's leave that to another day.


As I pointed out above, my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. Every year this becomes more concrete for me. Not only is it a wonderful time for me to indulge in my mother's delicious cooking, where gluttony is socially acceptable for one day, but it is the one day in a year that I know where I am going to be. Home. 


My father suggested going to the George Washington Manor for Thanksgiving dinner this year and I almost died. Of course, I squashed that idea real quick and things are going as per usual. 


I fear this upcoming Thursday though because it is going to be different. One thing I know that I am already thankful for is that Dani will be coming over for Thanksgiving and staying with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I was terrified of having a depressing Thanksgiving. 


***


Thanksgiving was a time of year I always looked forward to as a child. It was the one holiday that we celebrated with my mother's side of them family and not my father's. I always got very excited to see my mother's side of the family because I knew that would mean I could see my brother. Yes. I was glad to see my cousins, aunts and uncles; but it was always my big brother that I couldn't wait to see. 


Weldon was always the life of the party and could make any dull event entertaining. Plus, since he was big I always enjoyed watching how much food he would hound down. Haha.


I remember waking up to the aromas of my mother's turkey cooking in the oven. Immediately, I would jet into the living room and throw on the Thanksgiving Day parade so I could  marvel at all the awesome balloons. I was never upset about not being there because I knew how cold it was and I was perfectly content with staying home jittering with excitement waiting for my brother to come. He always made sure to be the first to arrive before everyone else came. Made me a happy kid to see him first because I would beg him to hurry up and get his butt over to the house. 


Some of my fondest memories of Weldon directly correlate with Thanksgiving. I think that is the reason I love it so much. He always filled this apartment with his presence. No matter what room he was in, you knew he was there. 


As time went on, my mother's side of the family stopped coming, he was the only one who was consistent. I got older and began bringing friends, Dani and Tom, sometimes Chris. Weldon began bringing his friends but nothing ever changed with us. I still got that excited feeling knowing that I would be able to spend time with my brother. He would come and fight me for the remote, as always. His tactic of winning, sitting on me. It was never a fair fight. A 350 pound man versus a 110 pound teenager. I always lost the physical fight but with some tactic I would win. 


My tiny apartment was filled. We were all happy. Its a feeling and an image I can't let go of. I know my mother feels it too, especially now that its not the same. More than his birthday, more than the anniversary of his death, my mother and I feel him the most on Thanksgiving. I know she always wants the same thing I want every year. Just home. So we can wish he was with us for just a little while. So we can remember him fighting my father to carve the turkey, hear him laugh, watch him eat... 


I know it sounds really depressing but its not. I don't have much of him left. I never got to spend a lot of time with him when I was younger. So this is what I have. I yearn for company though on this day. I guess as much as I want to just sit and remember him, I still need distractions. If I think about it too much it won't be a fulfilling thing for me anymore, it will just make me sad. So I am thankful that Dani is joining me for Thanksgiving. 


I am thankful that I have this holiday to remember my brother.
I am thankful that I am happy again.
I am thankful that I am pulling through the changes that I have undergone within the past few months.


I am thankful for the memories I have left. 

Valuable Time Wasted

About a month ago, I took a fairly large step on the "corporate" ladder in the company that I work for. Ever since, there have been extensive changes within the business. Offices have been changed, positions have changed... improvement and expansive was our goal. I am responsible for making that happen. After a lot of research, I finally found a program to make my new position as a Sales Manager a lot more effective and much simpler. For the past month, I have been working like a madwoman to make sure I learned the ins & outs of this software in order to make sure things ran smoothly for my team. 

Just when I thought I was going to have a breakthrough in my project development, everything I worked so hard for was taken away from me. My boss received the monthly charges he would need to pay in order to keep the software up and running and decided that it was not worth the price. THINGS I COULD HAVE KNOWN A MONTH AGO! 

One month of work on my end has now gone to complete waste. This week I dedicated most of my time to setting up new projects for my new employees coming in on MONDAY. I made template emails that would be uploaded into the software, pitches placed into the software and goals implemented into the fucking software and now it was literally just stripped away from me without warning. Before I could take any of my work out of the program, they shut me down. I am currently begging for access to get back in to at least retrieve some of the information I had inputted into it. Will I gain access back? Probably not. But I am going to push as hard as I can until someone over in that corporate office in Dallas breaks and gives me one hour to get in and get out.

I have to start from scratch. Find a new program or a new solution to my very big project. And I only have until the end of tomorrow to do it. New plan. One day. No time.

A Story for the Books

In life, on occasion, you might hear a story that pushes you to the end of your seat, desperate to hear every detail that leads up to the climax and you just can't wait to find out what happens next. In my case, it wasn't a seat; I was standing on the edge of a counter until I was being nagged at by a customer who was in search for a size. I work in the shoe department of Macy's, and my coworker was telling me the story in it's entirety of how his marriage in the shitter.

He told me not too long ago that he is in the middle of a divorce, and when I asked him if he didn't mind telling me what happened he told me that his wife cheated on him. Ouch. I was so curious about how he found out because I can be nosey at times and it sounded like a very intense situation. But I didn't ask, I didn't want to push the issue.

Let me start off by saying that he is a Persian man who just moved here with his wife from Iran three years ago. So basically if his soon-to-be ex-wife made this choice when they were still in their home country she would have no head right now. She is a very lucky lady, don't you think?

They, along with mostly every other person living in Iran, disliked their government and wanted to make a better life for themselves. They wanted an education and the freedom to make their own choices without the risk of being put to death for every little mistake they could make. Granted, in Iran they were made. My coworker, let's call him John, owned a fabric factory in his country and owned a beautiful house and lived a fairly comfortable lifestyle. He was on top of the world living there, financially at least. But they still wanted a different life so they both decided to come to the U.S.

John closed his business, sold his house, took his money and off they went to America. For the first year they traveled all around the states until they finally settled in Long Island, NY. He found a nice house for them, enrolled them both in a community college and worked two jobs in order to pay for the things they needed to get by.

Unfortunately, John's wife's father passed away shortly after they moved here and this truly upset her. It didn't help that she had fought with her father before she left and never said goodbye. John tried his best to help her cope with her loss although he had to admit,

"I tried to tell her before we left that she should say goodbye to him. Even when we got to America I told her to call him because he is her father and she would miss him one day. And then he died and she was hurt. I felt bad for her and wanted to do everything I could to make her feel better but we could not go back to Iran."

Then, she decided that she did not know anything about her religion and she hated it because it was forced on her by the Iranian government. She had observed Christianity masses and weddings and took a strong liking to their beliefs and the way they celebrated and attended mass every Sunday so she decided she wanted to convert. John was not excited about the idea because he felt that it would only confuse her more by converting to another religion.

"I tried to explain to her that it would not be a good idea to do this because if she did not understand our religion now, then she would not be able to understand the other religion. I suggested that she try to learn about her old religion and if she still does not like it then change. But she does not listen. So I took her to get baptized and I took her to church. I wanted to make her happy even when I did not agree with her decisions. Everyone told me that I was the man and I should tell her NO but we left our country because our government shoved religion down our throats and forced us to do as they said. I did not want to do this to her. That is why we left."

John was tired. He worked numerous jobs and still went to school full time plus he tried to keep up with the life his wife wanted to have. She worked one full time job and went to school but had the time to go out and make friends with people. Whereas, John had a hard time doing that with his schedule. Plus, it did not help that she is six years younger than he is. She began getting antsy. The only friends he had were his wife and a couple of the friends she made from school. So her friends became their friends. 

 

One day she came home and told John that she wanted a car. He tried to explain that he understood but he wasn't financially in the position to get her a car just yet because of the construction they were doing to their house but if she would give him a couple of months he would buy her a brand new car. But she would not hear it and told him that she did not want to wait, she wanted one now. He repeated that he couldn't afford it; how were they going to pay? She had a shopping problem; his whole office was filled with all of the stuff that she would buy all the time and it cut into their ability to buy a car right away. John allowed her to do this because he felt bad that she missed her family, her father and her friends at home.

"I figured that if I let her do this because it would keep her mind off of being lonely. I didn't want her to be so depressed. I constantly spoke to her mother and asked what I should do about how sad she was becoming and she told me to let her do what she wanted. Her mom said that she was a young, stupid girl."

Then she suggested that her boss had a used car that he wanted to sell for $4,000. He didn't want to dismiss her thought right away so he agreed to take a look at the car. So they went over and he checked it out and saw there was a lot wrong with it. He explained to his wife that the car wasn't even worth the money and that he could get her something much nicer if she would just be patient. A few days later she came home and told him that her boss let her have the car and he would just take small increments of money out of her paychecks to pay him off.

"I thought, 'where do you get such a boss that is so nice? I know my boss would not do such a favor for me.' I didn't make an issue of it though. Before I knew it, she told me that she wanted to move out. I was shocked. I did not understand why. She told me that I didn't want to do anything anymore and she wanted to live her life her in America. So I said okay. I thought it was temporary. "

She moved out, only four blocks away. John was hurt. He continued speaking to her mother asking for advice and she told him to let her have her space and she would eventually come back. He then tried to contact their friend letting them know that he wanted to meet with them privately since he wanted some advice on how to fix things with his wife. But they would not answer him. He was alone. All he had was the house, his job and hope.

Valentine's Day was approaching and John decided to give his wife a call.

"I wanted to have dinner with her. So I called a week before and told her that I missed her and he wanted to take her out for a nice dinner. She hesitantly agreed. I told her that I wanted to make her happy. I told her not to forget that. But then a few days before Valentine's Day she called me and cancelled. She told me that her friends wanted to go out and she wanted to go with them. I couldn't believe that she was canceling plans with me to go out with them and I told her that but I told her that if that's what would make her happy than fine."

February 12th rolled around and there was a bad snow storm. John went out and got the supplies her needed and called his wife to offer to shovel and salt her driveway and dig out her car since she would need it to go out that evening. She refused his help and said that her friends were going to pick her up. So, with nothing else to do, he decided to go out that night for a few drinks with his nephew. Driving home, a little drunk, he decided to pass by her house.

"I was having a good time driving my truck in the snow and I figured I'd pass by her house to see if she got her car out. I saw her car but then I noticed another black car parked in front of her. I thought maybe her friends decided to stop in. Or maybe they all decided to take a cab. But all the lights were out. And I did not recognize the car. I began to get curious. So I pulled over. I checked out the license plate of the unfamiliar car and walked to the door, not thinking the worst. I rang the bell. I heard whispering inside. My heart began to race so I rang the bell again. More whispering, no answer. I looked through the window of the door and saw her standing the dark in front of her bedroom. Then I saw him. She grabbed his naked body and shoved him in the closet. I felt so upset. My heart raced even faster and I rang the bell again and I called her name. Finally she came out."

"Hi John. What are you doing here?"

"I came by to check to make sure you were okay. What is going on?"

"Nothing is going on. Go home John."

"Tell him to come out here."

"Tell Who? No one is here. GO HOME JOHN or I will call the cops."

"Tell the man who is in your fucking closet to come out here and talk to me!"

"I'M GOING TO CALL THE COPS IF YOU DON'T LEAVE!"

"I am just asking you to let me speak to him. I am not doing anything crazy. And if you do not I will call the cops. Now tell him to come out."

She finally admitted that there was a man in her closet and she agreed to let him speak to John.

"Just wait right here. I will go inside and speak to him."

"Give me your word that you will make sure that I can speak to him."

"What are you talking about?"

"GIVE ME YOUR WORD! PROMISE ME THAT I CAN SPEAK TO HIM!!!"

She swore on God on her mother; he agreed to let her go inside. After a few minutes John got impatient and rang the doorbell again. She only cracked the door open and told John to go home and she was calling the cops.

"All of a sudden I felt myself go nuts. I began to yell that she had made a promise to me so I shoved the door open and pushed her to the side. And there he was. The bouncer of the club that I used to take my wife to quite often. He was sitting on her couch looking at me with no expression of remorse. I stood in front of him and said, 'What are you doing? You know that she is still my wife?' He bobbed his head slowly in such as way of disinterest. 'I came in here to let you know that this woman fucked up my life and I wanted to warn you that she will have no problem fucking up your life too.' I then turned to leave and she began yelling and cursing at me. She tried to push me out of the house. She tried to shut the door in my face that is when I grew so angry that I lost control. I pushed the door open and grabbed her by her arms, lifted her into the air, shaking her then threw her back down and pushed her into the door. I screamed that I would hit her and I raised my arm and that's when I saw it in her eyes. She was scared. I could not hit her. She tried to push me out and when the bouncer saw I was going to hit her he rushed to the door to help her but I moved back out. He stood behind her, both facing me at the door and right before they could close it in my face I grabbed my phone and took a picture of them."

He kicked her car and fell to the floor. Scrambled back up and hopped into his car, slammed his foot on the gas an kept fishtailing back and forth because of the snow

“I lost control. I did not know what to do. I couldn’t think straight. I was shaking. It all wouldn’t’ stop. I finally got home, grab a glass and poured whiskey in. I took several shots and sat down thinking about what just happened. I called her mom and told her what happened. I was done; I told her mother I was done and I sent her the picture of this man with her. Can you believe what her mother suggested I do? She told me to go out with other woman and show off in her front of her. I said what do I need to show off in front of my wife for? She is my wife! I should never have to show off in front of her. That is when I realized that her mother was trying to set me up so I said goodbye to her and that was the end.”

The picture of his wife and that man went to John’s lawyer. No alimony. They also had a prenuptial agreement so she would not get half of the money but only portion of it. So they are currently working out the divorce.